hgtv

congratulations!


word on the street is that my fabulous family is being considering for spot on weekend warriors. or something on the diy network. they're still working out the details. it sounds like you got a lot accomplished this weekend. way to go! i only wish i could have been there to help. it killed me to be away.


this moment has to be bittersweet for all of us, doesn't it? or am i the only one feeling this way? in my guilt induced misery, i had a major breakdown this weekend. there may or may not have been things thrown [i.e. my phone and the pillows i was crying into. you can start researching psych wards. pull it together, ash!]. i am slowly dealing with the reality that i just might [very likely] not step foot into that main street mansion ever again. and that makes me stomach hurt. i know it's just a thing; a material object that has no real lasting value. but, it does. doesn't it? it holds the smell of grandma and grandpa alexander's. it holds the laughter. it holds the chaos. it holds the ball being thrown for miles. it holds the turkey on the counter. it holds the memories. it holds everything. but, we hold everything too. don't we?


and since i can't give my proper goodbye... i have a favor for all of you. walk around the garden for me. take a moment at the wild flower patch she was so [rightfully] proud of. stand in the kitchen a little longer. sit upstairs and listen to the laughter of four innocent girls. take in the creativity of the garage. stand on the porch and watch everyone wave goodbye one more time. take it in. because i can't. 


oh, and if you get a chance [lolo], post pictures from this weekend? or any good ones of the house... in its glory, with its alive spirit, with us? 


i'm not sure i'll we'll ever have closure with this unfair, heart wrenching reality. but, i hope the hours... days... weeks... months... spent in that house since february have allowed you to find comfort in the happy memories it holds. just remember, those happy memories were made by us. and they live in us. and so will she.


i love you. i miss you. a

sliding rock yrs ago

Okay I was reading Ashley's blog and she had wonderful pictures of their family vacation and she had some from sliding rock when they went to NC.  Does anyone else remember sliding rock?  If you don't maybe the following pictures will bring back those wonderful memories!  Hope you enjoy!  Love to you all--LOLO

Diane and Yvonne

Lori

Lori

Kim

Kim

Diane, Donny or David, Kim, Mom, Lori Keith, Yvonne, Amy 

Grandma and Yvonne (aren't they beautiful)

Me and My Dreams....

As many of you will understand, I have been questioning my faith and faith in general these past several months.  I am mad at God, plain and simple.  I had a dream last night that may be the beginning of changing that... My dream:
David and I had a tornado go thru our place and everybody was there helping us clean up.  As we are all busy cleaning, we look down the driveway and walking towards us is Aunt Yvonne and Mom.  I remember first seeing Mom and she had a soft glow surrounding her and a big, big smile!  We were all soooo happy to see her, we ran into her arms and just hugged her for the longest moment.  In most of my dreams about people who are no longer with us they do not speak, but Mom did. She said that God had told her that when any of us really need her she could come back down to earth and be with us.  She looked sooo happy and peaceful. I just remember the feeling of having her near us and it was wonderful.  I wish all of you could've had the same dream with me.  It was good. 
I'm still not completely forgiving God, but this is a start. 
Love You All!
Di

Pictures, pictures, pictures

I have been working on the photo albums and oh my goodness what a mess I have made.  I find it ironic that I am the one who put the pictures in the album in the first place only to be the one who has to take them apart.  There were alot of tears, laughter, and more tears--but I came away from all of it with a true appreciate of not only our parents but of each of my siblings.  I am TRULY in an AMAZING family.  Thank you for accepting me for me.  I love you.  Oh by the way-- the task is done!  Albums will be brought down next time we meet.  I find it funny that Roger has more pictures than any one else-go figure.  hahahahaha
Love to you all--
Lolo

guardian angel....

So very close to having a car accident last night....scary close....It would've been TOTALLY my fault.  Where did that car come from???  I missed it my inches...no, millimeters.  Thank You Guardian Angel :)
Di

to whoever posted the poem below:

I just want the person who posted the poem below to know that they are not alone.....there are 5 other people in this family who are going thru the same thing and feel the exact same way at any given moment.  We are a family who has experienced an extreme, intense loss and it has affected every aspect of our lives. Each of us deals with our grief in different ways but we are all experiencing grief.  No one ever loves you like your mother.  We will never be loved that way again in our lives... we have lost  the perfect and unconditional love that only a parent can give us.  We have lost a friend, counselor, secret keeper and cheerleader.  No one will ever love us so unconditionally ever again.  The very foundation of our family has been shaken.  Never before have we been in the world without at least one of our parents.  We may feel insecure,  vulnerable, anxious.  we are on our own...we have lost direction, guidance and security.  It hurts....it hurts a lot....  Spouses may not fully understand, children and friends may not fully understand but we do.  The grief, pain and hurt can be overbearing at times but this does not mean that we cannot function.  It does not mean that we will fall apart.  What it does mean is that we now have to contend with a new set of circumstances in a new relationship with the world and with each other.  We must redefine ourselves and our family.  But most importantly we must do it together, as a team...as a family.  We must come together as a unit and look to each other, lean on each other for help and support.    Don't build up walls around yourself, let others in.  We are the ones who love you and know intimately what you are going through.  We are the ones still here to help each other thru a most difficult time. Let us in, don't shut us out....Allow yourself to grieve openly and with us.  Don't be alone.
And if that doesn't help...anti depressants are a wonderful thing when you need them....seriously.
:) di

Alone. . .

ALONE

Alone . . .

In the morning

In the afternoon

In the evening

Alone . . .

With family

With friends

With myself

Alone. . .

In my thoughts

In my words

In my actions

Alone. . .

In the darkness

Waiting for light

Alone. . .

In this world

With no end in sight

Alone. . .

In my heart

Wished we didn’t part

ALONE!